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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
The Nail
As Bill headed out to work his fields, he told his new, blonde, city-girl wife, "The artificial insemination man is coming by today to impregnate one of our cows today. Can you show him where it is?" "How will I know which cow?" asked Amy. "They all look alike." "Oh, I drove a nail above the cow's stall. You'll see it," he said, leaving the house. Later, when the artificial insemination man arrived, Amy walked him down the long row of cows until she saw the nail and said, "This is the cow right here!"
Impressed, the man asked, "How did you know this is the right cow?" "By the nail over its stall." He looked puzzled. "What's the nail for?"
As she walked away, she flipped her long blonde hair and replied, "I guess it's to hang up your pants!"
Blonde Q & As
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refueling.
Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for nights.
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "What's a light bulb?"
Initiation Fee
Bob knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said Bob.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip $20, as an initiation fee, through the mail slot," answered the voice. Bob put the money in the mail slot, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed Bob, "I want to get screwed!"
"What," said the female voice, "again?"
Buying a Car
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".
"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.
The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."
The Moral of the Story:
I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front, in an alley way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on offer. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."and found myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found myself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
Things To Do When Watching Lord Of The Rings
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL.... NOT..... PASS!"
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."
Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mister Ander- son."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
When the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
As Frodo is standing, hesitating to drop the ring, yell 'Get on with it!'
When the armies attack the massive elephant creatures, start griping loudly about how it's a blatant rip-off of Star Wars and the battle with the walkers on Endor.
Insist you can spot William Wallace in the scene right before the final battle charge.
Insist Gandalf is played by Jean Luc Picard, who has no real magic, just some decent melee skills, and incredible futuristic knowledge of how everything seems to work.
Furious
When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there. John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" "God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter. "He's mad about that?" the late pope asked. St. Peter replied, "She's furious."
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.! "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
Can I Go to Hell Instead?
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
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